How to be a WINNER in spite of: Doctors who won't believe you... Taking over your health care — seeking those who'll work with you. A family who ignores you... Gaining respect from those who've taken you for granted for years. Pain that devastates you... Struggling successfully against a persistent, life-threatening illness. A divorce that leaves you wasted... Leaving friends, family and failure — and moving on. Business stress overwhelming you... Climbing corporate ladders regardless of oppressive distractions. People who take advantage of you... Learning to give freely, not enslaved by the takers in your life. Challenges that burden you... Closing the door forever on negative and intimidating situations and people. Val's Victory can be your victory. Find the tools and rules for changing your old destructive routines and patterns within the pages of this book — take charge and renew your zest for life!

Photo by Kate Porter

Treat the people who live with you with the same respect and dignity that you give to people outside the home
As individuals, we are directly responsible for making the home and family as safe and peaceful as possible. Because violence and a war atmosphere can live inside any home, each parent has a responsibility to protect their family to the best of their ability.

One of the most important messages I tried to teach our family was: it is crucial to treat the people who live with you with the same respect and dignity that you give to people outside the home. Good manners and kindness cost nothing, but what a joy and a sense of serenity it is to be in a home with gentle respect.

We do have a choice
One of the hardest things we do in life is to look at where we are, study our options and make a decision to completely change old routines and patterns that we have been in for years.

We do grow and develop with each passing day, and when what we are doing has lost its challenge or we are bogged down by it, our creativity, incentive, and zest can be destroyed. We either have to spark up what we are doing or look at the possibility of change.

It is easy to get caught up in   "Yes, but I have done this for far too many years!   Yes, but I don't know if I can change!  Yes, but I don't know if I can be successful!" There are tough decisions to make, and we have to evaluate the long-term picture.

The questions came down to: what hasn't worked for me, and what kind of occupation would be satisfying and pleasing? More important now was, what did I really want to accomplish with respect to my personal development?

It was clear I had to develop and apply some tools and rules for myself if I was going to mentally survive this devastation and become a productive person once more.

My first rule was to concentrate on positive thoughts only, and look at what I could do rather than on what I was physically unable to do.

My positive thinking came from many directions. There were people who never knew they played a part in my life — the authors of every motivational book on success in business or self-help that I could find. Probably the first book of that type, and one that I'll never forget, was The Power of Positive Thinking by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.

Goal setting
At one of my first Tupperware meetings we were instructed to take a small piece of paper and write down ten Goals, personal and professional. Then fold it up into a small wad and put it in a corner of our wallet. "Some day when you're cleaning out your wallet, it will fall out — read it, then cross out each Goal you have attained. When you've crossed them all out — start over, and never stop — It's magic!" Little did I know that it would become a valuable tool for the rest of my life.

I tucked the wadded paper in my wallet. Many moons later, it literally fell on the floor as I was cleaning out my wallet. As I unfolded it, I saw that every Goal on the sheet had been fulfilled, including a new refrigerator, new carpet, new drapes, which Mother and I made, new slipcovers on the living room furniture, and much more.

Sometimes you achieve Goals you haven't written down, or even thought of. In my case, it never crossed my mind that I would drive a Formula racecar!

Writing down Goals really works
At the first [Rubbermaid] Distribution Center meeting I taught the Goal Setting rule from my Tupperware days.

A young new dealer asked, "What if it's impossible and could never happen? I shouldn't write that down, should I?"

"If you really want it, by all means, write it down!" After a moment she jotted something down.
The following Monday, she said , "Writing down Goals really works! I have always wanted a red Chevrolet, and we could never afford it, but I wrote it down anyway."

When her husband came home from work, she told him how excited she was about the meeting, but didn't mention the red car. After a bit, he said, "I can see you're really serious about this business, so after dinner let's go buy that red car you've always wanted, because now I know we can afford it."

"My new red Chevrolet is in the parking lot and my next Goal is to make the payments."

Never repeat anything told in confidence
The job of the Advisors was to train and motivate the managers and the sales force. We taught all aspects of becoming a successful manager and trainer, including Time Scheduling and Goal Setting. I enjoyed the new responsibilities, and it also gave me the opportunity to get acquainted with each of the managers on a one-on-one basis. For this reason, it was important to establish an unalterable rule with myself: I would never repeat anything told to me in confidence. This was a wise decision, and made it easy and comfortable for the managers to relax and discuss with me their business and also personal problems, knowing it would go no further.

Integrity is paramount
I'm still convinced that "Treating others as I would like to be treated," will never go out of style.

The key to good management is to bring harmony to one's people and to defuse conflict by teaching integrity. This works! If a manager gets caught up in the game of letting people bait them into taking sides, the people know it, and the manager's credibility and reputation are gone, and so is the respect of their staff. That's probably one of the toughest problems for management.

Delegate authority
One of my strongest training rules was teaching the value of delegating authority, and again, I immediately put it into place.

"Val, you aren't really going to leave me to conduct this meeting alone, are you?"

"Yes! Now remember — I always say, "To be a good manager you have to delegate authority!" Now I have delegated it to you. You have other managers, so you delegate it to another!"

She sat there for a few seconds and all of a sudden she started laughing. "You're terrible!"

"That's true — and you're going to be great! So don't even worry about it!" As I expected, they did an excellent job, became a strong team and built a large sales force in Southern California.

Givers and Takers
I always knew I was a born Giver. It was a painful shock, not fully realized until after I was debilitated by tetanus, to discover that many people are not Givers.

Until then I had thought, looking out through the window of my own soul, that everyone else was the same. Even as a little child, I automatically thought members of my family were as devoted and caring as I was. It was a severe jolt to find that the real truth was — they just didn't care.

I finally realized that for me to understand others, I would have to start looking in through the windows of their souls.

Givers who receive no credit from the Taker often continue giving, becoming enslaved to the Taker. I certainly played the role of Enslaved Giver, believing I could change things if only I did better, and tried harder, which I did even though I was away from home more and more. My husband responded in perfect character, becoming ever more disdainful of me.

Deep in my heart, I had long wished that someone would lift me out of this travesty of a life. Finally, after years of wishful thinking, I realized I, and I alone, could make the change.

It dawned on me that within our family, I was the enemy, and the only way to change the dynamics was to break the chain of enslavement. I resolved no longer to put at risk my own dignity and self-esteem.

Learn how to be a Free Giver
I was invited to attend a preview party for a course called "The Sage Experience," in a home in the Hollywood Hills. [Sage: a Learned Person.]

I went with an acquaintance, to enjoy a social evening. The man making the presentation was the creator of the course. The challenge he made to us was: If you would like to give love unconditionally, and if you would like to receive love unconditionally, — take this course!"

It was a powerful statement. I could understand giving love unconditionally, but receiving love unconditionally? That felt totally foreign to me. I realize now that this is the same as "Learn how to be a Free Giver," not an "Enslaved Giver."

That course marked a turning-point in my life that gave me new levels of insight. It enabled me to formulate and articulate many of the positions I have expressed here.

Evil people
Even within a crowded room or a small group, evil words or deeds are usually only apparent to the victim. However, the perpetrator knows and relishes the fact that they are hurtful and insidious. I now understood for the first time why other people or I could never use a descriptive adjective when discussing a woman acquaintance. After she had said or pulled an insidious attack on another, we would always be so shocked that all anyone could say was "Can you believe her?" or "She is something else!"

I have concluded that perhaps not all Takers are Evil People.

But, I have yet to meet an Evil Person who was not a Taker.

I am no longer willing to be intimidated
Dealing with intimidating people in a direct way began to pay off. I had no desire to lose anyone's respect or friendship, but I was unwilling to be intimidated ever again.

[I took a three-day Formula Ford racecar driving course] that took me, moment to moment, from exhilaration to "what am I doing here?"

I had an encounter that tested my new philosophy of not allowing anyone to intimidate me. On the track, two men passed me on both sides at the same time, as we were coming out of Turn 6. It was a terrifying experience seeing their front tires directly behind my rear tires in the mirrors. The instructor stopped us, and after lecturing the other drivers, assured me it wouldn't happen again. But the one man continued to pass me on the right as I was trying to follow my proper line.

The next morning the instructor spoke firmly about the dangers of passing on the right at that turn, but the offender insisted he would not be held up by a slower car. The young, polite instructor was having no luck in convincing this belligerent man of the rules. So I took over, and without hesitation, said, "You have no idea how close to panic I came when those two sets of wheels appeared in my rear view mirrors. I gave up my line yesterday, but I'm warning you, I will hold it from now on. If you want your left wheels going over my right tires, try passing me on the right again!" He was furious, but he had passed on my right side his last time. I thanked the Sage Experience for that!